he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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