I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
