Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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