Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
