It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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