You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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