Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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