hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
