WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
