$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
