I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
