seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
