I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
