Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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