we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
