dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
