I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize