There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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