I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
