My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
