Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize