My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
