I think my vagina is haunted
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
