you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
