I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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