i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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