I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
