"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
