Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
