yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
