pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
