Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
