3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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