I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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