you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
