fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
