She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
