I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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