Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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