he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
i've created a new STD.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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