New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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