oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
