my mouth tastes like poor choices
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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