I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
