Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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