Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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