I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
