when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
