You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
