remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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