he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
being pregnant is like rehab
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
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