She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
its not stalking. its research.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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