im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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