this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
