It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
