Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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