I think I won the penis lottery.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
