So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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